This is what I see,

I see a girl entering a magnificent room. She keeps her head down and I imagine  she’s kept it down for a long time. She walks as if she is caring a heavy load and no wonder because she is clothed with massive robes that are too large for her and make movement difficult but yet she still puts one foot in front of the other. She still comes.

At the end of the long room, I imagine Jesus sitting on a throne. He is more magnificent than the lavished room around him. His face intent on the small figure coming toward him. His view much different than ours. He sees woven through  the fabric of her robes the words of well meaning friends, teachers, family members and even pastors, who told her all the “ways” he wanted her to behave; carefully stitching into her soul who he supposedly was and even sternly directing her intimate interactions with him.

And he hears a familiar voice hissing lie after lie: That she is ugly, dirty, despised, guilty, unworthy and insufficient. It’s no wonder she looks down.

He watches her for a moment, struggling to move under her unnecessary garments. Finally he can bear it no longer and calls out to her, “You look tired. Can I give you a hand?”

The girl shakes her head, “I just need to grow into these,” she quietly explains, lifting up a bit of the heavy material, “I can’t walk very well but I know they are important so I manage.”

Here, Jesus gets off his throne and approaches the girl, “Who told you that?” He asks softly, “Not me.”

The girl looks confused, “Well...well they did sir.” She glanced down at herself again, “Don’t you like me this way? These are all your preferences, see, they are sewn here perfectly.” She motioned to several beautifully embroidered laws and religious rituals.

He glanced to wear her hand rested on the intricate tapestry and sighed, then looking back to the girl's tired face, he gently reached and took her small hand in his, “Once upon a time perhaps but not anymore little one.”

He paused a moment watching her face take in the scars on the palms of his hands then he continued earnestly,“I prefer you  and you don’t need this patchwork of 'ways' to please me. I am the only WAY there is. Don't you see, humanity didn't need anymore rules, they needed God to become the rule-book for them and that's what I did. My Cross went after the ravenous law and completely satisfied it's demands so that you could wear robes of grace and freedom."

Then he added with a twinkle in his eye, “And my robes are designed so you can run to me, not stumble and inch your way along.”

The girl looked reflectively at her exquisite outer cloak, then back at Jesus' disfigured hands. In a moment of trust, she quickly began  to unfasten one of the many garments she was teetering under. It fell to the ground with a loud thud.

“How do you feel?” He asked.

“I feel... a little more balanced...free,” she replied excitedly.

Jesus nodded, “Yes...another name for it is peace and this is just the beginning;  the longer you spend here with me the more poised your spirit will become.”

Here he chuckled, “You won’t be blown from one human preference to the other but you will be stable in my TRUTH about who you are and in my irrevocable love for you.”

The girl gently reached back for one of his hands and  tenderly ran her fingers over the scar, then courageously she allowed herself to raise her eyes to his.
His eyes were completely focused on her and he spoke again, “I came so you would have LIFE...and have it generously. Do you believe that little one?”*

The girl swallowed and nodded, “I...I... think so...but sir, isn’t there anything I can do for you?” She looked down again at the first layer of her old clothes, resting on the floor at his feet, wondering if maybe she had removed it too soon?

“Certainly,” he replied causally, “ I do have one thing you could do for me.”*

Forgetting herself she quickly looked up again, “Oh yes, sir, what is it! I will do it! I want to do whatever you ask!”

“You want a task? Alright, I have one for you: deeply love,  every single person you meet. That’s all I ask but it will take every ounce of you to do it even a little bit as well as I do. That’s why I can’t have you weighed down with all these laws and religious preferences...”

“One command,” the girl repeated, “You are the King of the whole earth and you only have one command?”

“I call it the law to set you free*,” he smiled again and this time his smile sent joy shooting through her whole being. She felt warm all over.

“What’s happening to me?” She asked, putting her hands over her racing heart.

“You are believing my words little one: When you stay close to me like this and you follow this one rule, to love people, then my pulse takes over yours and my spirit becomes one with your spirit and in that unity, you will know true joy...and that’s what I’ve always wanted for you...complete joy.”*

******

Dear Diary,

I wrote this little story as apart of the journey I am on in finding balance. God is removing many layers that I thought were necessary and replacing them with His truth and love. My spirit was lopsided and over focused on straining myself and improving myself and all He ever wanted was just me close to Him.

My whole childhood I thought the definition of Christianity was to "do more" and "give up more." In the environment I was raised in, it almost seemed like there was the belief that if God had 10 Commandments-we should have at least 20. So I worked and worked to please a God who was already completely pleased with me.

Now, at almost 30 years old, I feel like Lazarus, coming out of his grave, the commanding voice of Jesus over my life, "loose her and let her go." There are so many layers but there is so much grace.

I know it will be a lifelong unraveling but as He takes away all of the unnecessary, my soul becomes poised again.
I think to myself, perhaps one day, I may believe I am loved enough, to remove ALL of my masks and covers and be before Him as I was when He first saw me in my mother’s womb: sheltered in the covering of His own design, where no one but His eyes had seen my form and so no eyes but His mattered; When I did not know how to be proud and hateful but only how to trust.

Song: Come Out of Hiding 

 Song: So Much Grace
*Law to set you free: James 2: 12-13
*The entire story is based of the words of Jesus in John 14-16