A Poetic Psalm for Pride Month

 Dear God,

 Today I went to the place where they claimed to know You best and I told them my real name, the hidden name You gave me and they became furious. They told me I must learn to be other than myself. Then they made me recite back their names for me until I wasn’t sure who I was. They threatened that they would take You away from me if I didn’t do exactly what they said. They offered to speak to You on my behalf but when they did they only prayed, “Their will be done.”

Over and over and over again. 

They reassured me that any pain they inflicted was to help me get into their Heaven but why would I want to go anywhere I could not be myself? I began to wonder if Hell was my Heaven. A place of peace, safe from the tyranny of religion. So I promised myself one day I would be courageous enough to run from all of this: their haunting stories and their Master Jesus.

Selah

Dear One who knew me first, who told me who I am. I’m still here but when I look into Your children’s eyes, I see so much fear.

Fear they use to manipulate me and villainize my identity. 

A weapon of war used against those just like me.

Jesus, is that your true name? I’m  sorry for the pain I’ve caused You-they say I have even crucified You! I cannot take anymore of this shame! I have made my decision. For Your sake I will leave. You will never have to be near me again or look at my disfigured image, since myself is a sin.

Selah 

Why can't  I run from this Presence? Why is God still here? His followers told me that if I made my bed in the depths of Hell, God would leave me there. They promised me through faithlessness I could make my soul disappear.

In frustration I screamed with my whole being and I took the pain that I could not carry, the heartache I could not erase and I hurled it at my heartless Captor’s face, “Jesus, just leave me!" I demanded, "Don’t You understand? You are the reason I was cast out on my own! You are the tormenting force behind the persecution I’ve known. Jesus, You are the terror I felt when Your people used scripture to chase me from my home."

Selah

Then from the dark void within I heard a voice in the still, “You can call Me by a different name if it helps you heal.”

You speak?

“My God!” I exclaim, “Who are You? Can you show Yourself to me? Please, will You untangle Yourself from Christian theology so we both can be free?”

Moving closer this Voice gently speaks my true name over and over and over again, “I AM with you. That is My name. In you, for you, a part of you, all of you. It’s how I knew your secret name, when it was still unknown to even yourself. For I saw you when you were still only fragments, unformed, when I cradled each piece and named them one by one. Then I brought you together to make up a person, no less a person, no less a human, a masterpiece more unique but no less perfection. Oh child conflicted, know this for certain: The One who called you by your hidden name is WITH you. The One who brought you together in the exact order you are, will never be far from you. If those who accuse you send you to Hell then I will rush to meet you there. If they banish you from My house, then I will make you My home because that is My name. That is how I made Myself known: Emmanuel, God with Us.”

“My Lord and my God,” I worshipped tearfully. With energy and relief my Soul could not stay still, I ran to embrace this name knowing Voice and then I was safe. Hidden in my Creator’s decree, “You are fearfully and Wonderfully made. Marvelous are the works of My hands. See, your Soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:14)